By Jonathan Theunissen, CFP ®

Understanding the emotional side of finances and how couples can find common ground. 

Money is never just about numbers. It’s about security, freedom, self-worth, and even identity. This is why, in many relationships, money can become a source of misunderstanding or conflict, especially when two people come from very different financial backgrounds. 

We have worked with many couples who are committed to each other and their future, but still find themselves at odds regarding how they spend, save, and invest. Often, the real challenge isn’t a lack of discipline or education – it’s a mismatch in the emotional experiences they each bring into the relationship. 

Why Your Financial Past Shapes Your Financial Present 

We all grow up with a certain “money script”. A set of beliefs, habits, and emotional reactions formed in our early experiences with money. These scripts aren’t conscious; they’re learned by watching how our families handled (or didn’t handle) financial matters. 

One partner may have grown up in a home where money was always available. Bills were paid without stress, purchases were made in bulk for convenience, and there was a general sense that “there will always be enough.” For this person, spending can feel normal, even comforting. Buying things on sale may feel like a smart, satisfying choice, regardless of whether the item is needed or being purchased on credit. 

The other partner might have grown up in a home where money was always tight. The end of each month brought anxiety, and financial decisions were driven by necessity. For this person, spending – even small, seemingly harmless amounts – can feel risky or even reckless. Debt, in particular, may trigger a deep sense of unease. 

When these two money stories meet in a marriage, conflict can arise; not because either person is “wrong,” but because they’re seeing money through entirely different lenses. 

Emotional Spending vs Financial Security 

A common pattern we see is where one spouse tends to spend for comfort or emotional relief. This can take the form of buying many small, inexpensive items; justifying them as good deals or “not a big deal”. 

The other spouse may respond by tightening the reins, questioning the spending, or trying to impose stricter rules, often out of fear, not control. But this usually leads to more frustration and defensiveness, not resolution. 

In these moments, it’s important to understand that both reactions are emotional and both are valid, based on each person’s past. 

It’s Not About the Budget – It’s About the Stories Behind It 

You can’t build a good financial plan without understanding the stories behind the numbers. Money behaviours are rarely just about logic. They’re about safety, control, comfort, and identity. And unless those emotional drivers are understood and respected, even the best budgeting tools won’t stick. 

So, How Do You Get on the Same Page? 

Here are some practical, non-judgmental ways couples can move toward financial alignment: 

1. Talk About Your Money Histories 

• Start by sharing your earliest memories of money: 

• What was money like in your home growing up? 

• What messages (spoken or unspoken) did you receive about spending, saving, debt, or wealth? 

How did your family handle financial stress or abundance? 

These conversations can be eye-opening. They help you understand not just what your partner does with money, but why. 

2. Identify Your Shared Values 

Before debating specific spending decisions, take a step back and ask: 

• What do we care about most? 

• What kind of life do we want to build together? 

• What do we want money to do for us? 

Once you agree on shared values like security, freedom, experiences, and generosity, it becomes easier to align your financial behaviour around those priorities. 

3. Create a Structure That Balances Autonomy and Accountability 

Every couple is different, but a helpful approach is to divide your finances into three categories: 

• Ours: Shared expenses, goals, and long-term savings. 

• Mine/Yours: Each person gets a set amount of personal spending money, no questions asked. 

• Future: Investments, emergency fund, and longer-term dreams. 

This creates space for individual preferences without undermining the collective plan. 

4. Watch Out for Emotional Spending Patterns 

Emotional spending isn’t shameful, but it does deserve awareness. If you or your partner find yourselves buying to self-soothe, cope with stress, or reward yourself, try:  

• Waiting 24 hours before buying non-essential items. 

• Unsubscribing from marketing emails or deleting shopping apps. 

• Having regular “check-ins” with your partner or planner. 

5. Schedule Monthly “Money Dates” 

Set aside time once a month to look at your finances together. Not just to track numbers but to celebrate progress, talk through any challenges, and make adjustments. 

Make it a relaxed occasion: glass of wine, no blame, and no spreadsheets unless you want them. 

6. Ask for Help When You Need It 

Sometimes it’s hard to break patterns without outside support. A financial planner can provide structure, insight, and neutrality, helping you build a financial plan that respects both of your experiences. 

If the emotional tension around money feels too heavy, there’s no shame in speaking to a counsellor. Money is personal, and sometimes we need help untangling it. 

Final Thoughts 

Every couple brings different experiences into their financial life together. The goal isn’t to eliminate those differences – it’s to build understanding, empathy, and a shared plan. 

When you can see each other’s financial pasts clearly, you’re much more likely to create a future that works for both of you. 

If this topic resonates with you, or you’d like help having more productive money conversations, we’re here to support you with practical guidance and a listening ear. 

For more articles by Jonathan Theunissen, click here.